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Jan. 11th, 2008
02:26 pm - Lightbulb Jokes
One of the short, themed works I consider a specialty of mine is the lightbulb joke. I've been known to craft them for special occasions, and have been told my work has been printed out and posted up on a wall. Let's see, I need a theme... I know! Given the redeath of my Xbox 360 - and the license transfer my brother is (was?) waiting for - here's one:
Q: How many Xbox technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It would take only one, but he's red-green colorblind. (Instead, it takes three: one to promise to repair the old bulb, one to replace it anyway, and one you'll have to complain to about how the replacement bulb doesn't light when the lamp isn't connected to the Internet.)
Not my best - a bit too abrupt at the end - but it isn't bad for something I just came up with without prior planning. For the curious, here are my three favorite lightbulb jokes (not my creations):
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two - one to hold the giraffe, the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored bicycles.
Q: How many psychedelics users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Green, because ice cream has no bones.
And my absolute favorite of all time:
Q: How many Zen Masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two - one to change the bulb, and one to not change the bulb.
At any rate, I only posted any of that to give you a bit of background on why I think the current Dinosaur Comics, a strip which I typically don't care much for, is one of the most genius comics I've seen in ages. - ZM
Current Music: "Rainy Night in Rio", Bugs Bunny
Dec. 10th, 2007
02:46 pm - Insight
As I said on my very first post to this journal, I never like making an entry that is nothing but a life update. There needs to be a good reason for bugging the people that for some reason or another added me to their friends list. There should be something the reader can walk away with, some insight I can provide, to make it worth their time, at least in my eyes. Like, say, about good and bad fame [Celebrity], the nature of love [Ineffability], who the man is [Rickroll], that sort of thing. Well, as it happens, much has occurred recently to give me reason to be a bit introspective, as well as make my friends wonder what I've been up to given that I haven't exactly been descriptive lately. As a computer scientist, efficiency is my great objective, so here is a life update counterbalanced with life lessons. They sort of segue into each other as well.
One thing I haven't talked about here yet - despite its having brought a good number of you here - is my small appearance in The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters. It's curious how things have played out - Picturehouse's own forum would seem to be revealing me as a cult favorite. Now, I have no idea how to respond to any of that, but this much I do know: it's a positive force. That much I've decided. That "Celebrity" article I linked to above? I mention an interview where I was asked "the real questions". It just so happens that the interviewer was Seth Gordon - the film's director - and that clip of me that made the trailer is from that interview. I'd never have suspected that interview would have resulted in my having my own IMDB entry, but I don't object. (I do need to figure out how to get that entry corrected to include my middle initial. For disambiguity, you understand. That, and I have insisted on my middle initial for years. There's a story in that, but that's a tangent.) What does fascinate me is that my little off-hand comment about my lifestyle is what started this; again, I don't object, but I do wish I could show you all the rest of the interview, if for no other reason that it would save me time trying to remember it and typing it out in another entry. The point is that what I was being interviewed about ended up - through no fault of my own - taking a back seat to just who I was. Even if the rest of the footage is lost, how could I possibly complain? How could I want to? It amazes me how acceptive others seem to be about my usually-considered-antisocial aspects; even those that seem to find it all rather weird also rather respect my choices. I guess discussing game design can wait in light of discussing life design, even for me. To all those who have expressed positivity for me, I sincerely thank you. Beyond that, I'm not really sure what else to say.
Now before anyone asks: I personally still haven't seen the movie. Yes, I'm in it, and I haven't seen it. For that reason, I cannot comment on its accuracy. What I will state - because the movie has nothing to do with it - is that Steve Weibe is the real deal. I personally witnessed him playing at Funspot, and am thankful I got to shake his hand. When Steve auctioned copies of a DVD of his first million-plus performance - in itself a first-ever act - I was the winner of the first copy. (Note that this was before I became a TG ref! The auction was in October 2004, and I became a ref June 2006.) I figured it would become a controversial item, valuable in a historical-collectible sense; I had no idea how right I was! ...I wonder what I did with it... gotta be around somewhere...
My Xbox 360 is back in my possession. I stress that it's my Xbox 360 - not a replacement; as someone who was in the top 100 worldwide among Gamerscore from XBLA games, that's pretty important. As I've noted before (mainly in entries tagged "torment"), one of my greatest concerns is having to rely on people I don't trust. I'm happy to say that Kmart's repair plan proved quite trustworthy indeed, with a very fast turnaround and no hiccups or hassles once I got past Kmart's own internal service issues (which in their defense are nowhere near half as bad as my experiences with Amazon, eBay, or WidowPC - they were downright saintly in comparison). The point, however, is that the absence strengthened in my mind, not only through my own longings but also conversations with friends, just how important gaming is to me, something I'd have thought strengthened nearly to a maximum. It is not merely a hobby, nor even just a dream job. It is a way of life, just as essential to me as not drinking, smoking, or doing drugs. Every game, from the simplest to the most complex, from RPS to FPS, is a chance to learn something about someone, often oneself. My dedication to "hardcore gaming" - primarily evidenced by my willingness to delete save games I've put over a hundred hours into - largely stems from my desire to maximize my experience - and enjoyment - from games that I feel are worth the effort. Due simply to the medium of this weblog, my other great passion - puzzles - tends to get more coverage here. I hope to help balance things out in the near future.
I was recently made aware of a clever little Flash game called Chain Factor. However, its the metagame around it that fascinated me: it functioned like a miniature alternate-reality game, with puzzles to solve and codes to uncover. I managed to get permanent billing in the game by being the first to solve one of the "unlock" puzzles (select the Thrive power). Ultimately, the game came down to a moral decision: the virtual option of destroying or saving the current model of the world economy was put in the players' hands, and destroying it won the vote. Persons can believe in persons, but people don't believe in people. Sho ga nai. At least, that's how it used to be, but lately I've noticed that people have begun to believe in persons, and I can't help but think that this is a very good thing indeed. That there's something wrong with the world today is rarely questioned, but actually doing something about it is even more rarely brought to light. Can you imagine a world society where the hierarchy is bottom-up instead of top-down, where a conceptual model based on individual worth and value trumps that of a (theoretical) "societal greater-good"? Apparently, the people chose the persons' society over the people's. If you think this game result isn't representative because it's a game, reread the previous point. If you think this game result isn't representative because it's fiction, read the next point, then reconsider.
I am not a political person in general, and I do not want this journal to take on a political purpose, but I think it noteworthy that I made my first-ever political donation not long ago. November 5th, to be precise. I'm far from a rich person, but as they were seeking $100 a person and I can do two-and-a-half things at once, I thought $250 proper for myself. As it turns out, I became a small part of history in the process; the over-$4.2M raised for Ron Paul on symbolic Guy Fawkes Day is not only a record but also a money-put-where-the-mouth-is view of just how far the persons have united. Could it possibly be that the persons can rest power from the people? Can it, in fact, be helped? I'm certainly willing to try. I'm a libertarian; I recognize that people are, ultimately, persons, and believe that they should start acting like it. I always did. Try it. You may like it. I in particular am a distrustful person - see above - but even I have more hope for the human race than I've seen out of most others. With that, I have concluded what will hopefully be the only time politics in any manner enters this journal.
The final line of my bio in my profile is so true. I'm telecommuting today, and I still have things I need to get done. Note that I'm not using my recently returned Xbox 360 either! I'm writing this instead! Now why is it that I apparently feel this is more productive and/or important than either of those other very efficacious acts? I don't know, but I think it's noteworthy. Maybe you can tell me.
I could add more, but I have a job to do. It may be a late night. "Wars come and wars go, but it's a war." - Wilford Brimley, as Bradley Tozer in High Road to China
Current Music: "Break My Stride", Matthew Wilder
Nov. 30th, 2007
10:39 am - Rickroll
I just learned that Rick Astley is now the subject of an Internet meme! This is a truly joyous day. I've said it before, I'll say it again: Rick Astley is the man. - ZM
Current Music: "Never Gonna Give You Up", Rick Astley
Oct. 28th, 2007
10:34 am - Joke
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and an IT professional are on a road trip together when the car breaks down:
Mechanical engineer: "Let me pop the hood, take a look at the engine, see if I can find anything wrong."
Electrical engineer: "I'll bet it's a wiring problem. Let me check the fuses, look for short circuits..."
IT professional: "Don't either of you know how to fix anything? Let's just get out of the car, wait thirty seconds, get back in, and start it up again. It'll run just fine."
This joke is funny because it's true. Case in point: when I reported two weeks ago that my Xbox 360 is dead, I noted that my HD DVD drive was essentially among the casualties. I tried several combinations of other consoles and cables, and it was nothing but stutter, stutter, stutter. Last night, I had a flash of insight: it occurred to me that I never tried any of those combinations more than once, consecutively. I gave the Japanese console back its Japanese hard drive (as an experimental control, not to mention that I've been suffering from Warriors Orochi withdrawal so I'm planning to play me some Shin Sangoku Musou 4 Special) and the HD DVD drive set-up disk, plugged in the HD DVD drive when requested, and stuck in Backdraft (also an experimental control; I hadn't watched that one yet). As usual, it stuttered. I turned off the console, waited thirty seconds, turned it back on, loaded the movie, and it played just fine. Other movies are running just fine as well. I haven't tried switching hard drives yet, but if I do and it has a problem, I know just how to handle it. - ZM
Current Music: "Runaway Train", Soul Asylum
Oct. 25th, 2007
01:04 pm - SMACdown: Secrets of the Human Brain
Mission year 2112. Research efforts have been stellar - no pun intended - so far, and the other factions seem to be friendly enough, at least those who respond to our commlink hails. Perhaps the most curious detail of our landing is how very scattered about Planet we have found ourselves; I can only assume that we have largely ended up on different continents. There is, of course, one glaring exception: the U. N. Peacekeepers are just southwest of our landing site. This is a double-edged sword, to be sure, but in this largely hostile environment we both seem much more willing to work together than against one another.
Which is why I've issued a communique to all our top scientists, to be disseminated among all researchers, explicating that Peacekeeper citizens are NOT to be considered to be or treated as lab rats. The good relations we currently have are not to be tainted in any manner. We must work TOGETHER to survive, not take advantage of each other.
To that end, we have agreed to the(ir) idea of establishing a new United Nations here on Planet. Of course, these early meetings may not accomplish much involving only two nations - others being unable to attend due to the vast distances between us - but we certainly recognize that we are writing a new history with each such action, so philosophically speaking they are very meaningful. When other factions manage to join us in Council, we'll already have had a head start in seeing things the Peacekeepers' way and be better able to participate.
Greatly assisting with this venture is a technology we have recently mastered, commonly called "Secrets of the Human Brain", which gives us tremendous insight into the way people think, feel, and react to social stimuli. If it didn't run completely counter to our own philosophy, we could probably use this understanding to whip the drones up into a fundamentalist force. Actually, we expect the Believers may have already done this, with their gaining the knowledge themselves an unfortunate side effect of using them to make researching it possible to begin with. As is our motto, learn now, regret later.
Besides, I have my hands full with people on THIS hemisphere. My own people. I should have known Datan was up to something with es "Secrets of the Human Brain testing" proposal. In retrospect, I should have questioned what part of speech e had intended 'testing' to be...
"Hi, welcome, come in, have a seat."
"Thanks."
"I'm Dr. Zerode. Were you briefed on procedure before you came in?"
[unnerved] "Uh, no, I wasn't, I didn'-"
"Perfect! Then let's begin. There will be-"
"Wait! What should I have been told?"
"Nothing! Trick question. I only asked it to see your response."
"Oookay."
"The entirety of the testing will be like that. There will be four phases; the first three are varied stimuli - just do or say whatever you think is appropriate. In phase four, pie will be served."
"Pie...?"
"Yes, pie. Sorry, no ice cream or whipped topping."
"Okay..."
"Phase one." [leans forward] "I know the secrets of your brain."
[short pause] "I beg your pardon?"
[leans back] "I know the secrets of your brain."
"The secrets of my brain?"
"I know the secrets of your braaaain."
"I don't know what you mean."
"Of course not! They wouldn't be secrets if you knew them, now, would it?"
"...I'm not following."
"I know the secrets of your braaaaaaaain."
"Would you stop saying that?"
"I know the secrets of your BRAAAAAAAAIN."
"Leave my brain out of this!"
[leans forward] "I know the SECRETS of your BRAAAAAAAAIN!"
"Shut up!"
[leans up out of chair] "I KNOW THE SECRETS OF YOUR BRAAAAAAAAIN!"
"LEAVE ME ALONE!"
"GET OFF MY FUCKING LAWN!"
"AAAGH!" [falls out of chair]
"Whoa, you okay there, sport?"
[pulls emself back up into chair while speaking] "What is this?! What's the matter with you?"
[sits back down] "Phase two."
"What?"
[no response]
"Did you say 'phase two'"?
[no response]
"Alright, I see how this goes. Fine."
[no response]
[whistles tunelessly]
[no response]
[twiddles thumbs]
[no response]
[peruses ceiling]
"Ah, here we go."
"I'm sorry, what was that?"
BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP
"...UUGH! You disgusting son of a bitch!"
"Ih, I give myself a six."
[visibly in pain] "That stinks so much, my nose feels like it's burning!"
[leans forward] "I know the secrets of your brain."
"You're insane!"
"Would you like to know the secrets of your brain?"
[face a perfect mixture of pain, confusion, and curiosity] "...What did you say?"
"I said, would you like to know the secrets of your brain?"
"What 'secrets'? What are you on about?"
"Yes or no."
"Wha - I don't know what you-"
"Yes or no."
"Would you just-"
[sits up off chair] "YES OR NO!"
"But I-"
"GET OFF MY FUCKING LAWN!"
"YES!"
"'Yes'?"
"YES! Yes, yes, yes."
"Excellent!" [sits back down] "Phase three."
"Phase three?"
"I know the secrets of your brain."
"So you keep telling me."
"I know the link-ups of your chain."
"Huh?"
"I know the mark-ups of your gain."
"What?"
"I know the inklets of your drain."
"What now?"
"I know the regrets of your rain."
"What are the secrets of my brain?!"
"I know the rejects of your mane."
"It still reeks in here."
"I know the egrets of your plain."
"You're mad!"
"I know the pin-ups of your lain."
"I know the stink-ups of your game!"
"...I'm sorry, what was that?"
"I know the stink-ups of your game!"
"VERY good! Wonderful! Apt and timely! I'm impressed." [offers handshake]
"...Uh, thank you?" [accepts offer]
[gives earnest handshake] "Phase four. Congrats!" [reaches into backpack below chair, produces two pre-packaged individual-serving pies] "Would you like cherry or chocolate?"
"Oh, uh, cherry, please."
"I said, would you like cherry or chocolate?"
"Cherry."
"Cherry or chocolate. Not a tough choice."
"Cherry, you asshole."
"Come on, just pick one."
"Gimme the damn cherry pie."
"Come on and-" [look of shock] "Wait, did you say, 'cherry'?!"
"Yes. Cherry."
"Oh, you don't want the cherry pie."
"Yes, I do. I don't like chocolate."
"Trust me, you do not want the cherry pie."
"...Why, what's wrong with it?"
"Well, nothing, but it's cherry." [dismissive tone] "You don't want the cherry pie."
"Oh, I'm pretty sure I do want the cherry pie, especially after all this."
"You've gotta be kidding."
"What did you do to the pies?"
[looks offended] "Nothing! They're pre-packaged!"
"Then why do you want me to take the chocolate pie?"
"I never said that!"
"Then give me the cherry pie!"
"I know the secrets of your brain."
"Not that again..."
"I know the vegans of your grain."
"Give me the pie already!"
"You want cherry or chocolate?"
"CHERRY! CHERRY, YOU BASTARD!"
"Oh, you don't want the cherry pie."
"YES I DO!"
"You can't want the sherry dry."
"SHUT UP AND GIVE ME THE PIE!"
"YOU MUST WANT THE HAIRY GUY!"
"GET OFF MY FUCKING LAWN!"
[smiles widely] "Well done! Right you are, one cherry pie it is." [hands over cherry pie]
[stunned] "...Wait...what..."
"If you don't want it, then I'll just-"
[yanks pie from Datan's hand]
"Very well. Testing complete, you're free to go. Enjoy!" [gets up to leave]
"...It's over?!"
"Yep. That's it."
"...I...I..."
"I'm afraid you'll have to provide your own fork. For safety reasons, none are present here."
"...Fork...fork?...NO!...I..."
"I'm sorry, what was that?"
"...I...this...we...pie...." [collapses to floor, cries, clutches pie to chest]
"I suggest you leave. It smells in here. I'm leaving anyhow. Farewell." [exits]
"...I love you, pie... we're finally together... alone...." [cries tears of joy] "I'll never lose you... I'll never let anyone eat you... no one will ever come between us... we'll be together...forever...."
[holding glass up to door] "Damn, I'm good at this."
Oct. 16th, 2007
12:54 pm - Torment
I know I've been saying I'll be posting here more, replying to more emails, and the like, but right now there's something under my skin that's keeping me from thinking straight:
Xbox 360 ref currently without Xbox 360
The phrase "bites the wax tadpole" isn't sufficiently harsh to describe how disgustingly annoying, and perhaps even heartbreaking, this is to me. Readers of this journal should be well familiar with my track record with telephone service personnel by now; I am NOT looking forward to spending this afternoon getting this dealt with.
One thing not mentioned in that article, since it isn't of importance to Twin Galaxies operations: My HD DVD player doesn't like my Japanese console, either. It installed fine, the movies do come up, and they do attempt to play... but there's a lot of stalling, with discs stopping the video and audio pretty much randomly, halting everything for about two seconds roughly every five seconds on average.
And I just recently picked up some new movies and games I can't play.
Basically, I'm not in a decent mood at all; I'm largely filled with dread, disgust, and perhaps even depression. I promise that more posts and e-mail replies WILL come, but I really need to deal with this first. - ZM
Current Music: the hum of an office fan
Sep. 29th, 2007
08:43 am - Disgaea hardcore
Since tags added to community posts are currently ignored by LiveJournal, I'll be adding links to my "hardcore" entries on ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif)
disgaea to this entry as I generate them. It's for my own reference, but I suppose you could read them if you want. - ZM
Hardcore, Episode 1
Hardcore, Episode 2
Hardcore, Item World
Hardcore, Episode 3
Hardcore, Episode 4
Hardcore, Episode 5
Hardcore, Episode 6
Hardcore, Episode 7
Hardcore, Episode 8
Hardcore, Episode 9
Hardcore, Episode 10
Hardcore, Episode 11
Current Music: "Katamari of Love", Katamari Damacy soundtrack
Sep. 6th, 2007
11:36 am - Enforcement
I keep a mental list of "Places Never To Go Because The Law Enforcement Is Retarded". Looks like Brooklyn, Ohio is now on that list. Whether Michael Righi was "asking for it" or not is beside the point; you don't fail to read someone's rights when you arrest them and then drag them to the police station while trying to figure out what to charge them with. That's evil dictatorship right out of a sci-fi flick.
One of my great fears is being injustly punished. When people in positions of authority are doing something wrong, far too few are willing to stand up and say it, especially when they most need to: when innocents are suffering because of it. In fact, many of them will even show resentment towards those that DO uphold their civic duty. This holds true at all levels of the spectrum, from when a teacher is corrected by a student up to when a president sends troops to battle without a congressional declaration of war.
I am sincerely scared of one day being abducted by law enforcement, charged for something I had absolutely nothing to do with nor knowledge of, and thought of as a criminal by the general populace, even if I'm not found guilty. That manner of completely unfair and unfounded stigmata arbitrarily assigned to me worries me deeply, and the thought of it being able to happen anywhere deeply troubles me.
Being honest and open - knowing the truth and telling the truth - is useless when everyone else involved thinks you're lying, and when they do finally accept the truth, it's much too late for you. I can't help but feel that one day this "you" will be me, and the "too late" effect will be permanent. It's like I'm fighting against my destiny.
There are possible segues I could make from that, entering the domains of civil liberties, racism, religion, and the fatally flawed Golden Rule, but I have too much work to do right now to get into any of that (not to mention they could warrant their own entries).
I am SO glad that I live in Rhode Island now. I figure that of all the states in the Union, the one founded on the principle of individual freedom is the safest to be in; it's probably the closest to a civil-liberties bastion as any government that currently exists, and the citizens don't put up with any shit to the contrary. I'm sure it's not perfect, but it could be far, far worse.
Tomorrow: One segue I will follow shortly is into a discussion - and a dream - about Bioshock, a Zotmeister Seal of Approval winner that presents a very clever perspective on civil liberties. - ZM
Current Music: "Chasing Cars", The Fray
Aug. 31st, 2007
01:12 pm - Deep Thoughts
A lady sucking on a lollipop may seem sexy at first, but when I realize just how sticky lollipops get, it quickly loses its charm.
A lady sucking on a Popsicle, however, stays quite sexy. - ZM
Current Music: the theme to Doctor Who
Aug. 27th, 2007
09:41 pm - Acrostic
Price of Rapture
Big Daddy knocks upon the wall
Inside a child hears the call
Out crawls Masha, Little Sister
Splicer corpses can't resist her
Holding hands with Mr. Bubbles
Orphaned from her parent's snuggles
Can a girl's love truly breathe
Kept in the garden of ADAM and EVE?
Current Music: that damn "A Little Bit More" from the Target commercials
Aug. 18th, 2007
11:06 pm - Puzzle 49: Smullyanic Dynasty
See Puzzle 4 for instructions. This one took me less than five minutes to make the graphic for, and over two hours to test solve and repair! It originally lacked the center given, which I put there when I realized the original solution was not unique. Thankfully, that didn't sequence-break the puzzle at all.
One peculiar "feature" of this puzzle is that it has a particular weakness to metalogic, the use of which I of course discourage, but I must admit that this puzzle makes for an interesting study because of it. I challenge you to NOT use advance knowledge of a unique solution (metalogic) as a solving aid; once you've solved the puzzle, try to find the metalogic shortcut (if you hadn't already). - ZM
Current Music: "Inchworm", Charles Aznavour
Aug. 16th, 2007
10:34 pm - Off my arse
Hi. I'm Zotmeister. Remember me? You know, that puzzle guy with the games and the tales and the occasional burst of clever cynicism? Yeah. Well, I'm officially off my arse. All those puzzle answers you've sent me that I haven't responded to yet? Coming up. My turn in SMAC? In the next twenty-four hours. More puzzles? Already built and awaiting queueing. More Twenty/Zero? Half-written. More sorcerers? Services secured. My every-other-week-turned-into-every-other-month posting rate? Try every other day. I have not abandoned this journal. Quite the opposite, in fact: it's permanent now. I might even make the occasional voice post, just because I can. I'm going to make it worth my money, and if you stick around I'll hopefully make it worth your time. - ZM
Current Music: "East Bound and Down", Jerry Reed
Jun. 27th, 2007
03:22 pm - Policy
Seriously.
No, really, seriously.
Why the fuck can't some companies respect their customers anymore?
I don't get it. At all. If a company can't have an iron-clad privacy policy - if it needs to exploit their customers in ways totally unrelated to their business for whatever profit they can scrape together for it - then what on Earth is it doing in business to begin with? Is their product or service not good enough? Why must they insist upon being outright evil?
I expect that sort of crap out of, say, Electronic Arts. They make no attempt to hide that they are evil to the core, and perhaps even flaunt it, despite clearly being in a financial position where they have no need to be that low whatsoever. Case in point: Burnout Revenge for the Xbox 360 actually presents the player with a bloody user agreement that (unlike every other Live-playable game I've ever seen) requires the player to agree to set up an account on a separate service called EA Online in order to play it over Live. It says, right there, that as part of this procedure, permission is granted by the player to have Microsoft hand over es personal information (from their Live account) to EA. And then, quite a ways below that - buried amongst the drivel - it also states that EA can then pass this personal information on to third parties. Pretty much whoever they want, whenever they want. Here it is, straight from the game:
"From time to time, we are approached by companies and organizations that provide products or services that we believe may be of interest to you, and we may provide your personal information to such third parties. We see this as a value-added service helping you to find useful products or services. We strive to limit use of the information you provide to those offers that we think you would appreciate receiving."
Although the next few sentences provide opt-out details now...
The subjectivity of that policy is reprehensible, and that's even if they do take the "we believe" angle seriously. If I didn't know that ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
tablesaw doesn't have an Xbox 360, I'd suggest the reason e gets Scientology mail is that EA gave them es address.
The game has quite a few very easy achievements that require online play. Sorry, but I will not whore out my identity for Gamerscore. They can go fuck themselves.
"But surely," you may well wonder, "bitching about EA isn't enough for the Zotmeister to warrant a journal entry, is it?" Of course not - too pedestrian. I only told you about that to tell you about this: I'm here to bitch about SNK Playmore.
Yep, that's right: SNK Playmore. A company with a very focused customer base, consisting almost entirely of fans of the old NeoGeo fighting games. A company lauded as an underdog and praised for carrying the torch for their fans. In other words, the last company you'd expect to be evil.
What did they do? Well, at first they were dumbasses: they left a game-crashing, progress-killing bug in their initial release of Card Fighters DS. The bug has a 100% chance of manifesting. It's not subtle, or random, or avoidable - it's a guaranteed impasse. In other words, its something that not only the testers should have found with ease, but that the programmers should have seen coming to begin with. It takes a gross level of incompetency to overlook the likes of that, much less get it published and distributed.
It seemed, at first, that they were going to do the right thing, if by "do the right thing" I mean "make up for their error" rather than "not be dumbasses in the first place". They announced a recall, and are now ready to take back the flawed game cards in order to send out replacements next week. All you have to do is follow three easy steps...
...and the first step, which they insist is necessary, is to register the game. Which, of course, requires that not only do you have to give them your personal information, but that you have to give them permission to - well, here, read it yourself:
"From time to time, we are approached by third party companies and organizations that provide products or services that we believe may be of interest to you. To extend these products or services to you, we may use your personal information (e.g., email address) to send you notices on their behalf. We strive to limit these notices and communications to those that we think you would appreciate receiving."
Sounds familiar, doesn't it? And nothing about opting out, either - you register, your information is theirs to do with as they please. There's a "Would you like us to share your information with other companies..." question on the registration form, but it certainly isn't binding. It isn't even phrased to look like asking for permission - it's as if it were a stupid poll or something. They can sell your information whether you like it or not!
It all looks like a kidnapping scheme: "If you want to see your game bugfixed, tell us what we want to know..."
I will not whore out my identity to get a game fixed that should have been working to begin with. I will not allow SNK Playmore to profit from their fuck-up, especially at my expense! They can slit their wrists, throw themselves off balconies, and then fuck themselves.
I'd love to read a privacy policy that goes like this:
"From time to time, we are approached by third party companies and organizations that provide products or services that we believe may be of interest to you. We tell them to fuck off and go build their own customer bases, thank you very much."
Now that is a policy I could stand for. That sounds very much like a company I'd like to support. Until earlier today, I'd have thought SNK Playmore would be such a company, but clearly I was wrong. I feel very much betrayed. I sincerely doubt there is anything they would do to make this right and make me feel comfortable buying anything they made or will ever make ever again.
Oh, and by the way: if you're under thirteen, you can't get a replacement even if you were willing to share your personal information with their whims, since you can't register. "Sorry, law says we can't exploit you that way, so you don't get a bugfix. You keep our faulty game and we'll keep your forty bucks - no law against that." - ZM
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/angry.gif)
pissed off
Current Music: My CD changer shuts off when I'm pissed off.
Jun. 15th, 2007
06:48 pm - Puzzle 48: Seeking Syren
See Puzzle 14 for instructions. The astute may have noticed that the file names for my previous two Seeking Syren puzzles seemed to skip a number. This is the one that was missing. It was constructed primarily to challenge my greatest critic - ralphmerridew, who apparently finds my puzzles so easy that he tries to re-solve them with fewer rules. (Why neither e nor glmathgrant participates in the USPC is beyond me.) The groundwork for the puzzle was primarily constructed during a series of lunch breaks at Burger King, a practice I no longer employ due to the incredible mess this puzzle originally turned out to be. I built it in an entirely wrong fashion, and had multiple solutions up the yin-yang. Eventually I tried to revisit it and get something solvable while still keeping the main theme going; I lack the inclination to test this puzzle missing a rule at this point, but I do really like how Syren is revealed in this one, so I feel it's a good puzzle regardless. As usual, email me your solutions, and while you're at it, tell me your favorite eighties video game. - ZM
Current Music: "Talking Out Of Turn", The Moody Blues
Jun. 14th, 2007
05:32 pm - Puzzle 47: Polyominous
See Puzzle 7 for instructions. This was the first puzzle I created in a new graph-paper notebook I acquired specifically for puzzle construction. I rather like this puzzle; it's fairly pretty, and has an interesting solving theme. Comments, questions, and emailed solutions are welcome as always. If you submit a solution, tell me what your favorite number is. - ZM
Current Music: "The Voice", The Moody Blues
Jun. 13th, 2007
03:51 pm - Puzzle 46: Ciphers in the Stream
There are probably a dozen different things I'd like to write about here in my journal this very moment - how Funspot went, the Disgaea hardcore I'm chronicling in disgaea, how the PBEM game of SMAC is NOT DEAD, beverages, work, playing cards, Xbox Live Arcade games, programming and game design, stuffed animals, Shinobi and the MAME Decathalon, Snoopy vs. the Red Baron, fiction in general, fiction in specific, Twenty/Zero - well, that's over a dozen right there, and I could keep going - but given that the USPC is this weekend, and I know plenty have come visiting my journal in the hopes of practicing, I figured I would not be fulfulling my civic duty [places fist over heart] if I did not provide some additional training material in this crucial time.
So here you go. Thursday and Friday will have puzzles as well.
See Puzzle 1 for instructions to Islands in the Stream, of which this is a variant. It's solved the same way, only the numbers denoting the islands and their area have been replaced with letters. The letters and the values they represent have a one-to-one correspondence. For example, if you determine that an 'X' in the grid must be a '5', then all 'X's must be '5's, and all letters other than 'X's must be some value other than five.
Cipher versions of puzzle designs are nothing new, but as far as I know this is the first time anyone's done this with Nurikabe. Be warned - it's fair, I promise, but it's tougher than it looks. I tackled it pre-deciphered to see how it would have stood as a regular Islands puzzle, and it was quite tough even without the code. It was fun to build, so expect more in the future. You may want to invest in studying the design to try to find tricks and techniques.
I suppose you can email me with your solutions if you like; I do read and appreciate them, even if I don't respond right away (I have messages in my inbox over a year old I still intend to reply to eventually). I'm not sure what I could offer in terms of prizes at the moment, but... I know, tell me what you'd like me to talk about in my journal with your solution, and I'll see what I can do. - ZM
Current Music: "Gemini Dream", The Moody Blues
Apr. 17th, 2007
11:03 pm - Funspot
I apologize for not getting this post out sooner. Let's try this again, shall we?
Up in Weirs Beach, New Hampshire (near Laconia) is a place called simply Funspot. It's an entertainment complex of sorts - bowling alley, indoor golf center, bingo parlor, that sort of thing. However, its real draw is the American Classic Arcade Museum, an exploratory unlike any other. You see, the vast majority of its exhibits are interactive: they comprise the largest public collection of 1987-and-earlier arcade video games on the whole planet. And by largest, I mean in excess of 150 machines. And that doesn't count the roughly thirty pinball machines. For anyone with even a faint appreciation for the art of the video game, Funspot is a paradise.
But it gets better. And you can be a part of it.
You see, there's this tournament they run every year. It's the most prestigious classic-video-game tournament in the world. And it draws the most exalted of competitors. As it happens, they're a pretty decent bunch, and they're approachable. Many don't even participate that heavily in the competition itself; instead, they're on premises to hang out with all the other masters they don't get to see very often, and perhaps concentrating on a single title in the arcade's collection to attain - or improve - a world record. It is, for all intents and purposes, the official annual gathering of all those who love playing classic arcade games. Twin Galaxies referees - like myself - are always on hand, interested in logging scores for those hoping to get into the book of records. Much of the classics area is portioned off to tourney entrants only, making for a pleasant experience.
I've never missed the tournament. What I've done there from year to year has varied, but I've always participated. This year I'll likely do less playing and more score-recording, at least while the arcade is open. During the tourney, the gaming doesn't stop when Funspot closes its doors; in the cabins and motel rooms, the competitions continue, with players bringing along home consoles and challenges for the others. Whether or not you feel you're even remotely capable of being competitive in the tourney,
I do, however, intend to finally do what I've been inching towards for years: breaking a million on Quartet. And that is where things will get a little interesting.
I am once again soliciting requests to share accommodations with those willing to join me in my venture, sparing me from my usual fate of needing to crash in my stepfather's trailer half an hour away - trust me, it isn't pretty. The reservation I'd place - and how much the cost per person would be - would depend on how many respond to this, what days they'd be able to attend, and quite frankly how quickly this is responded to, as I don't know how much longer rooms will remain available in the area. The nature of the room will likely be a cottage, actually, given their prevalence in the area; the Sun Valley cottages in particular are very popular, given that they're in walking distance of the arcade and that they're the unofficial gathering place for after-hours gaming. Let's hope they still have some available! I'm guessing we're looking at about $30-45 per person per night at the worst, but as I said there are a lot of variables. It may well be even less.
There are dozens of reasons to come along and enjoy yourself, but I'll add one more in anyway because I feel like it and it could be fun: if at least three others go in with me for at least two nights, and I officially (on the TG record) break a million on Quartet at the arcade during the tourney, I'll refund their room fees for those nights. Don't worry about whether I can afford it or not - my income tax refunds are in excess of one thousand dollars this year.
Here is everything I can think of at the moment to let you know about regarding the excursion. If you have ANY questions or concerns whatsoever, post a comment here, and be quick about it:
I'm going to nip this in the bud right now: I will NOT tolerate ANY alcohol consumption whatsoever among my fellow travelers for ANY portion of the trip. If you can't be dry, forget it. That is one chance I am NOT taking, and I know at least one other very likely companion would not have it any other way. This is 100% non-negotiable.
The tournament itself runs from May 31 to June 3 inclusive - that's a Thursday to a Sunday, but hold on a minute. I don't need anyone to necessarily be there all four days. In fact, I'm expecting most respondents would only be interested in two or three days, and I'm prepared for that. I'm guessing that I'm most likely only going to need the room for Friday and Saturday nights; I'll find a place to crash on Thursday night, and then check into the room Friday. Sunday night I plan to leave, but if others would like to stay one more night and head back Monday, I'm sure I could reserve the room for the extra night as long as they're going to pay for it.
Carpooling with me is unlikely unless you're going to be there all four days, but surely you could carpool with each other. Feel free to use the comment page of this entry as a gathering forum.
There are other attractions in the area, but I'm largely unfamiliar with them. Don't feel tied to the arcade on my account, but you'd be on your own. There are a TON of waterparks in the area, but I don't know if they'll be open yet. There is a place right down the street from the arcade called Kellerhaus that is a chocolatier, among other things; they make great stuff, and I always try to sneak in there once during the trip.
The tournament itself costs around $30 to enter, but included in that is over a hundred game tokens. If you need more, you can buy more, and there will be tons of coupons for extra tokens readily available - Kellerhaus usually has a stack of them, for example.
Food is up for discussion. One of the best parts of the tourney is all the lunch and dinner group gatherings, where the players all discuss gaming and anything else without the distraction of the machines. There is a supermarket a ways down the road that could be used to stock the cottage fridge if need be. We may be able to leech off others as well if we end up in Sun Valley. One could bring their own wares. Basically, I'm set to go my own way on food, so feel free to discuss the topic with others here if need be.
The URI Gaming Club Candlepin Bowling Championship will also be occurring there. I am SO totally going to lose, but I'll enjoy every minute of it.
The complete list of expenditures: lodging, food, the entry fee, possibly extra tokens, possibly bowling/chocolates/souvenirs. Expected total cost for the weekend: under $200, and that's if I don't get the million. (Anyone scoping out other attractions in the area is obviously on their own, of course.)
For those who'd like to know a little more about the tourney itself: there's no shortage of free-form gaming about, as many are simply trying to master a single machine under the watchful eye of a TG ref. The main events themselves are in five parts: Monochrome, Color, Pinball, Ladies, and Secret - the one entry fee covers all five. Monochrome consists of a few older machines with one-color displays; Color of more modern titles, though still none newer than 1987. Pinball is usually two or three older tables. Ladies is for females only, and consists of a mixture of the above. The titles for each of those four competitions are not announced until the start of the tourney. During the tourney, players can play the titles as often as they like (as long as they take turns) throughout all four days; only your best score on each title counts. (So missing a day or even two of the tourney isn't much of a handicap, really!) At tourney end, percentage points are awarded based on the top scores for each title during the tourney; highest total percentage wins. The prize in previous years for the winners was $100 for each category, I believe. Secret operates differently: each day of the tourney, a Secret Game is declared; the top score on the game for that day only gets a cash prize ($25 in previous years) - I've actually won two of those over the years. There's also a Player of the Year category - no cash prize, but you'll get top billing if you compete in Monochrome, Color, and Pinball and have a higher total percentage for all titles in all three categories than all others who also played in all three.
But you don't really need to know any of that. The experience is more valuable than the prizes. Besides, you may be too busy playing everything in sight to care!
I really can't stress enough how terrific the place is, especially during the tourney; it would be a once-in-a-lifetime experience, if it weren't for the fact that it could be done every year. Now would be a good time to start.
If you're interested, comment on this entry with what days you'd be interested in attending; add whatever other info you think is relevant. I'd like to keep all discussions public and open, so others can work together as needed. If there's ANYTHING regarding this that I haven't covered that you'd like to know, just ask. - ZM
Current Music: "The Ballad of Boggy B", Bjorn Lynne
Mar. 15th, 2007
03:52 pm - Puzzle 45: Magnetic Field
See Puzzle 8 for instructions. The largest instances of this variety of puzzle I'd seen before building this one were ten-by-ten grids; those lacking any cells already filled in had fifty dominoes to define. Weighing in at two hundred nineteen dominoes, this may well be a world-record construction, larger than any other instance by a factor of more than four:
As usual, emailing me your solution may result in a gift.
Reports of my having abandoned this journal are entirely false. I've simply been pre-occupied with other creations as of late. In fact, I have some pretty big plans in store for the hopefully-near future. At any rate, I do expect to update more frequently. I feel like I should make up for my four-month absence. My puzzle fans should be happy to know that I have the next four puzzles already composed; my fiction fans (if I have any) should be getting an "episode" or two within the next month. I'm also hoping to provide updates of other natures as well; time will tell.
One slightly off-beat thing I've decided to do: I'm actually going to start filling in that "Music" field on my entries. My two-and-a-half-track mind has a song stuck in it more often than not, and it's often something almost completely random; frequently I have NO idea what made it come to mind. This is one of those times. Consider it a possibly meaningless insight into how my brain functions (if that is the proper word for the operation of its virtual CD changer). - ZM
Current Music: "No One Is To Blame", Howard Jones
Nov. 2nd, 2006
05:49 pm - Detritus
I am slowly but surely excavating myself from beneath the detritus that was my life last month - not that I'm depressed or have been wronged or anything; it's just that I felt I was largely lacking in momentum, and I'm taking the initiative to remedy that. I have officially started dieting and exercising again; my not-so-secret podcast project is underway; I've started refamiliarizing myself with game design and programming; I'm making significant strides in my gaming and especially in my Xbox Live Gamerscore; I updated my LiveJournal user profile. I'm hoping that I can carry some of this momentum into fiction before it fizzles out, but I don't want to push myself too hard (I can only do two-and-a-half things at once, after all). Perhaps once my Disgaea hardcore (see my profile) has been completed, I'll write some stories.
...Don't laugh. I'm on Episode 11.
Anyway, I'll soon be sorting through the email backlog I've accumulated. Puzzle 45 is coming along, but I am, as perhaps you've figured, prioritizing other things.
Amongst the detritus are some truly valuable bits I thought some of you may appreciate, being puzzle afficionados and all:
One "Infinity Squared" created the graphic below as xkcd fanart; it is one of the cleverest (and quite possibly obscurest) "comics" I've seen in a long time. My thanks to infintysquared (not a typo) for permitting me to offer it to you all:
I'll explain it later in the comments if you don't get it.
Incidentally, if you're not reading xkcd, you're missing out on genius. Whether it's a clever observation of human behavior reminiscent - and worthy - of the best of Candid Camera's history, a catchphrase begging to become the next great meme, a deep dig at very technical mathematics, or just a your-mom gag, each strip is incredible. Add it to your Friends page!
Wei-Hwa Huang, multiple World Puzzle Championship individual winner, created one of those "Gadgets" that can appear on a personalized Google homepage. E's been updating it weekly, and e's had some very clever challenges. I really like the Mini Battleships puzzles, Last Chessman Standing, and (despite non-unique solutions) Series of Tubes. Thankfully, e also has a page where all the past puzzles can be accessed.
A recent post by motris detailing es attempts to recall the names of the U.S. senators reminded me of one of my earliest published puzzles, and I thought you might appreciate it, so I dug it up:
Puzzle Two: And One Other...
Ostralek's eating habits are legendary, but very few are aware of just how
pervasive they are to himself as well as his victims. As a result, he has a
very curious habit: whenever he needs to remember a list of names, no matter
how long that list may be, he can't help for the life of him but forget
exactly one name in the list - as his mind has subconciously eaten one of
them!
Here is an example of his insanity's handiwork:
EX) Starr, Harrison, McCartney, and one other...
No, it has nothing to do with the Clinton scandal - wrong Starr. The
missing name is "Lennon" - these are The Beatles [Ringo, George, Paul, and
John respectively]. Just as Ostralek always seems to eat the most valuable
recruit in his group, he tends to forget the most recognizable name in any
list.
Note that "John Lennon" would be considered correct (with additional
information), but just "John" isn't, as the list was of surnames. Make sure
your answers fit the lists.
Here is a collection of ten lists of names - some real, some fictional -
that Ostralek has attempted to recall, and came up short by one each time.
Can you provide the name missing from each list that Ostralek has mentally
eaten?
1) Bashful, Sleepy, Grumpy, Doc, Happy, Sneezy, and one other...
2) Bashful, Speedy, Shadow, and one other...
3) Bryan, Felber, Sonefeld, and one other...
4) Green, White, Plum, Scarlet, Mustard, and one other...
5) Ed, Claude, Arnold, Oscar, Charles, George, Fred, and one other...
6) Laughlin, Störmer, Tsui, Kohn, Pople, Furchgott, Ignarro, Murad,
Saramago, Trimble, Sen, and one other...
7) McCormick, Marsh, Broslovski, and one other...
8) Jack, Jack, Jay, Joan, Johnny, Steve, Al, and one other...
9) Jones, Rogers, Dinkley, Blake, and one other...
10) Evans, Goldin, Miles, Schmidt, Smith, Starghill, Stidolph, Walker, and
one other...
I suppose I should say (for both background and copyright purposes) that Ostralek is a character from the collectible virtual-card game Sanctum; e is an elder imp and hero of the House of Abomination. E eats one of his own party members every turn, gaining strength when e does. I published a total of twenty-three puzzles for The Sanctum Puzzler between 1999 and 2001; although all of them were tied to the game, many were only attached superficially via story. This one in particular was based upon my own personal affliction: I actually do tend to forget exactly one item on lists I try to remember. No matter how long the list is. In fact, the item I can't remember in any given list has been known to change from day to day! At least it gave me a puzzle idea. I encourage you to come up with more "And One Other..."s and post them in the comments; the really good ones are those whose list has a focal element: knowing it would make generating the rest of the list fairly easy; leaving it out makes the list a bit non-descript, even given the entirety of what remains. The first one I came up with - and my favorite - is number seven; I really like number nine as well.
I'll warn you right now: you won't get number ten. Don't even try. Nobody got it in the original contest. I'm not even sure the original source of that list still exists in any verifiable form (though it might). I only left it there for sake of completeness.
Note that I'm not including this puzzle in my typical LiveJournal numbering scheme; it is both not the kind of puzzle I'm aiming to present here and not the first time I've published it. I will likely break rank on the latter eventually, but I've said before that the puzzles I'll be originating here are to be strictly logical. As such, I'm offering no (further) prizes for it, and I'll even be posting the solutions in the comments in a day or two.
Bonus puzzle: I cut-and-pasted the puzzle, leaving a mistake I had made in the original intact. Find it.
Lastly, before I forget: the SMAC PBEM game is still not dead. In fact, I just received my turn today. I'm hoping to provide the fictionalization I'd alluded to earlier, in ten-turn installments. It's currently the ninth round. - ZM
Sep. 27th, 2006
05:29 pm - Puzzle 44: Archipelago
See Puzzle 20 for instructions. What can I say, Otto Janko is the man. I decided to go with majority rule on Magnetic Field for my extra-challenging Puzzle 45, but I wanted to give the man a shout-out in honor of the experience es website has provided me with. E voted for Archipelago, hence this middle-weight warmup for the main event. Send in your solutions and maybe I'll offer to send something back (I'm still running thin on funds, but I'll see what I've got). - ZM
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